Link: A Parody to Shrek: Edited and Reborn
by Krimzon Guard Chelsea
Summary: *NOW COMPLETED!* Join the Hylian, Link, in his horrible adventure consisting of him trying to save his forest, and also trying to give Zelda to Lord Farquaad...I mean Ganondorf!
1. The Opening Scenes

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Link: A Parody of DreamWork's "Shrek". Um. Shrek copyrighted to DreamWorks, and any Legend of Zelda character is copyrighted to Nintendo. ^-^  
  
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~ The scene is um...nowhere... Okay, it's somewhere...but I don't know where it is, so it's nowhere! Fine! It's in Link's forest somewhere... ~  
  
Disembodied Voice: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort that could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss."  
  
Link: Yeah, like that would ever happen! What a load of- *Tears off some toilet paper, wipes his arse and flushes the toilet, although how can you flush the toilet in an outhouse...?*  
  
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~ Okay, we aren't going to go through the opening credits part or anything, so the next scene is somewhere in Link's forest. ~  
  
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Saria: Um... Why are we here again? I mean, you guys know I have a crush on Link. o.o  
  
Mido: Come on, Saria! We can swipe this guy for money! All right? Let's go!  
  
Saria: WAIT! You know what Link can do to us, right?  
  
Mido: Come on! That no-fairy guy can't do anything to us!  
  
Shopkeeper Dude: He'll grind our bones for its bread!  
  
Mido: ...What are you on? Crack or something? Come on, we're not staying here all night!  
  
Disembodied Voice: *Laughs* Actually, that's uh... Morpha! Yeah! Morpha does that stuff!  
  
Mido: Morpha? How can Morpha even do that? He doesn't have any stinking fingers for crying out loud. And how do I even know who Morpha is if I have never been out of the Kokiri Forest?  
  
Link: (Just read the script!) Now, Hylians! They are even worse! They'll make a SUIT out of your freshly peeled skin!  
  
Shopkeeper: No!  
  
Mido: Don't believe this guy.  
  
Link: They'll shave your liver!  
  
Mido: How can your liver be shaved? It doesn't have hairs. It's nothing but tissue!  
  
Link: They'll squeeze the jelly out of your eyes! Actually, that's quite good on toast!  
  
Mido: Hold on a second! Jelly? Out of my eyes? Now, I have heard blood being in your eyes, but jelly? I'm just going to laugh at that one.  
  
Link: *Sighs* Come on, Mido! Do you have to ruin everything?  
  
Mido: Yes.  
  
Saria: *Grabs a local torch* Back, my love! I mean...you beast! Back! *Waves the torch*  
  
Link: *Takes out an ice arrow and shoots the torch, therefore putting it out*  
  
Saria: *Gasps*  
  
Mido: Riiiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
Link: *Pauses* ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!  
  
Everyone Except Mido and Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!  
  
Link: ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!  
  
EEMAL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Link: *Stops* Now this is the part...where you... RUN!  
  
Mido: Why should we run away?  
  
Shopkeeper: Let's just go!  
  
Mido: Fine! *Runs away with Shopkeeper and Saria*  
  
Link: *Laughs* And stay out! *Watches a piece of paper fly out of Mido's um...tunic/suit/thing and picks it up* "WANTED: HYRULE CREATURES". *Sighs*  
  
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~To be continued...  
  
~Please note that the first line of the Disembodied voice came right off the script. O.o  
  
Chelsea: Okay, you know what? My stupid Microsoft Word is being a big butthole and won't format my 'fic correctly, so if this looks really messed up, blame it on Bill Gates, and MicroCrap. -.- 


	2. Navi the Fairy

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Pokemaniac Chelsea: STUPID MICROCRAP WORD!!!  
  
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~ In some clearing at a forest, with a table set up in the center and tons of little creatures/people in cages. ~  
  
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Knight Dude: All right. This one's full! Take it away!  
  
The Four Poe Sisters: *Hum some death row song*  
  
Knight Dude: Next!  
  
Nabooru: *Put Koume and Kotake up on the table* Found these guys trying to kill me at the Spirit Temple!  
  
Lesser Knight Dude: Let me see those!  
  
Kotake: Hey!  
  
Lesser Knight Dude: *Snaps Koume and Kotake's broomsticks in half*  
  
Koume: Bitch!  
  
Lesser Knight Dude: Your flying days are over! *Pushes them elsewhere*  
  
Knight Dude: Twenty rupees for the witches!  
  
Nabooru: THAT'S IT?! And you guys call yourselves royals of Hyrule? *Takes the twenty rupees* ::Sotto voice:: Lousy twenty rupees...  
  
King Dodongo: *Crying in a cage* This cage is too small!  
  
Navi: Don't turn me in, sir! I'll never say "HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!" ever again! I'll never say pretty straightforward, and otherwise stupid things again, either! Please! I can change! You gotta believe me!  
  
Great Deku Tree: Oh shut up!  
  
Knight Dude: Next! What do you have?  
  
Kakariko Villager: A little wooden puppet! *Holds up Pierre, the scarecrow!*  
  
Pierre: I'm not a puppet! I'm a real...um...scarecrow!  
  
Knight Dude: Five rupees for the possessed pile of straw. Take it now. *Watches Pierre get hocked off at the Pawn Shop* NEXT! What do you have?  
  
Great Deku Tree: I have a talking fairy!  
  
Knight Dude: Well, that's worth ten rupees...if you can prove it.  
  
Great Deku Tree: No problem! Go ahead, little missy!  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Knight Dude: Well?!  
  
Great Deku Tree: Oh, she's just nervous! Really! She's quite the annoying piece of crap! C'mon, you boneheaded fair-  
  
Knight Dude: That's it! I have had enough of the senile tree! Guards! Take it away!  
  
Great Deku Tree: No! She talks! She loves to talk! *Pretends to be Navi by heightening his voice* I can talk! I love to talk! I'm the talkiest damn thing you ever saw!  
  
Knight Dude: Get him out of my sight! And "talkiest" isn't even a word!  
  
Great Deku Tree: Uh... No! No! I swear! *Swings branches and hits some magic fairy dust and it spills all over on Navi*  
  
Navi: Hey! I can fly!  
  
Goron: She can fly?  
  
Everyone: She can fly!  
  
Knight Dude: She can talk!  
  
Navi: Ha ha! That's right, foo'! I bet you have seen a house fly! Maybe even a super fly! But you have never seen...a FAIRY FLY! Well, maybe you have, considering the fact that fairies can fly. But wait...if I could fly...why didn't I just fly out of here before? Darn, I am so dumb!  
  
Great Deku Tree: You got that right.  
  
Knight Dude: Seize her!  
  
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~ Farther down into the forest, Navi flies and flies until she meets up with Link. The LKD is still at her tail...wings...whatever. ~  
  
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Lesser Knight Dude: You there! Hylian!  
  
Link: Huh?  
  
Lesser Knight Dude: *Brandishes a large scroll* By the order of Lord Ganondorf, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated...  
  
Link: *Looms over LKD, glaring*  
  
Lesser Knight Dude: ...resettlement...facility!  
  
Link: Says you and what army?  
  
Lesser Knight Dude: *Looks behind him and sees no one* Darn! Why didn't I get some recruits before I left? Oh well. Might as well go back. *Walks away*  
  
Link: *Starts back for home*  
  
Navi: *Flies after him* HEY! Can I say something to you?  
  
Link: Oh, help... A talking fairy named Navi! *Starts running away*  
  
Navi: *Follows* LOOK! I just want to tell you that what you did back there was really really great; those guards they thought they was all of it, and then you showed up and bang!, they were tripping over themselves like skull kids in the woods! Hah, it made me really good to see that-  
  
Link: That's excellent.  
  
Navi: It's great to be free!  
  
Link: Yes! Now go return to your own friends.  
  
Navi: Er...I don't have any friends.  
  
Link: Yes, and I can see why.  
  
Navi: And I'm not going back there by myself! Hey, I got a better idea! I'll stay here with you!  
  
Link: HELL NO!  
  
Navi: You're a mean, green, fighting machine! Together, we can scare the pants off anyone who crosses us!  
  
Link: *Pauses, turns towards Navi and screams* ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!  
  
Navi: ..............Now that was really scary! (Not.) And if you don't mind me saying this, if that don't work, your breath will get the job done because you definately need some Tic Tacs or something because your breath stinks!  
  
Link: *Continues walking away*  
  
Navi: *Follows* You like, burned the hair right out of my nostrils...of couse, how do I even know if I have nostrils because you can't even see my body because it's nothing but a ball of gas...which reminds me of the time-  
  
Link: *Covers Navi's mouth*  
  
Navi: Mmmhhhhhh mhhhhhhhhh, mmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm, mhmm!  
  
Link: *Uncovers Navi's mouth*  
  
Navi: And man, there were strong gasses leaking out of my butt that day! That means...if I even have a butt.  
  
Link: Why are you following me?!  
  
Navi: *Sings* I'm alllllllllllll alone! There's no one here but me! My problems have all gone! There's no one here to deeerrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiide MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! But you gotta have frieeeeeeeeeends!  
  
Link: STOP SINGING!!! No wonder you don't have any friends!  
  
Navi: Only a true friend would be that truly honest!  
  
Link: Navi, look at me! What am I?  
  
Navi: *Looks up* A human?  
  
Link: No! I'm a Hylian... Well, I guess that would be right since Hylians are technically humans...or are they elves? Whatever! But doesn't that bother you? You know? Grab your braziers and swords!  
  
Navi: No...  
  
Link: Really?  
  
Navi: Really, really! Hey I like you! What's your name, anyway?  
  
Link: Link. *Starts walking*  
  
Navi: *Follows* Well you know what I like about you Link? You have that 'I don't care what other people think' attitude. I like that. I respect that! *Stares forwards* WHOO! Who would want to live in a place like that?  
  
Link: That would be my home, you little hoe.  
  
Navi: Why! What a nice home! You have such a modest budget...of couse...back in medieval times, there were no budgets were there? So I guess I can't really say that! Wow! What a nice Deku nut! I love that nut.  
  
Link: ...  
  
Navi: I guess you don't do much entertainment, huh?  
  
Link: I like my privacy.  
  
Navi: So do I! Don't you hate it when you have someone in your face, and you try to give them the hint and they don't leave...and then there is that big awkward silence?  
  
Link: ............  
  
Navi: ...........  
  
Link: ..........  
  
Navi: Can I stay with you?  
  
Link: WHAT?!  
  
Navi: Can I stay with you? Please?  
  
Link: Of course!  
  
Navi: Really?  
  
Link: In your dreams.  
  
Navi: Please! I don't want to go back there where I am considered an annoying piece of crap! You don't know what it's like to be a freak...well, maybe you do! And that's why we have to stick together!  
  
Link: Okay! For one night only.  
  
Navi: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! *Flies inside Link's house* This is so great! We can stay up late, swap some stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles- although there is no such thing as waffles in this time period!  
  
Link: D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!  
  
Navi: Where do I sleep?  
  
Link: OUTSIDE!  
  
Navi: Well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me or anything. *Flies outside* I mean, I'm a fairy. I was born outside and I guess I have to find my place outside.  
  
Link: *Steps inside and slams the door behind Navi*  
  
Navi: I'm all alone...there's no one here but me...  
  
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To be continued... o.o 


	3. Link and the Hylian Creatures

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~ Outside Link's house, it is nighttime. Link is sitting at his table. ~  
  
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:: A creaking noise is heard. ::  
  
Link: *Sighs and walks towards the window* I thought I told you to stay outside!  
  
Navi: But I am outside! But... I am inside the outside, so maybe I am inside... But I remember you telling me to go outside, so I am outside, but I'm inside because I'm inside the outside and-  
  
Link: Alright, alright! Shaddup!  
  
:: A clattering noise is heard. ::  
  
Din: Well, it's a far cry from the heavens, but what choice do we have?  
  
Farore: It's not home, but it will do just fine!  
  
Nayru: What a lovely bed! *Lies down in the bed*  
  
Link: *Pounces into the room and grabs the three goddess' hair* Gotcha!  
  
Din: Ow! Get off of me, you woman-molestor! *Casts Din's Fire on Link*  
  
Link: *Burns up* ARGH!  
  
Farore: Was that you, Din?  
  
Din: How did you know?  
  
Link: *Shakes ashes off of him* Enough! How did you get inside of my house?! *Gets hit in the back with a coffin* HEY!  
  
Three Poe Sisters: *Grins*  
  
Link: No, no, no! *Pushes coffin back* Dead Kokiris off the table!  
  
Three Poe Sisters: Then where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!  
  
Link: No it isn't! I just got rid of those goofy goddesses!  
  
TPS: It's still taken!  
  
Link: No it's not!  
  
TPS: Yes it is!  
  
Link: NO IT'S NOT!  
  
TSP: YES IT IS! You can go check if you don't believe us!  
  
Link: Don't think I won't, you pile of floating rags. *Stomps away to the bed and pulls off the covers*  
  
Wolfos: What?  
  
Link: GET OUT OF MY BED, BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO HOTDOGS, YOU MANGY DOG! I mean, I live in a forest! I put up signs! I am a terrifying Hylian! What do I have to do to get some fricken' privacy-oh no. Oh no. No, no!  
  
Koume and Kotake: *Cackle*  
  
Link: *Starts pushing a nearby Deku Scrub out of his house*  
  
Deku Scrub: Hey, don't push! *Rustles leaves* Ohhh...  
  
Link: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY FOREST!!! *Crappy echo occurs* FOREST!!!....FOREST!!!....FOREST!!!....  
  
Deku Scrub: *Gasps* Oh dear.  
  
Link: *Starts pushing random people* All right, get out of here! All of you, move it now! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly! Come on! *Chases some people* No, no, no! Not there! Not there... *Pauses* Oh, not there!  
  
Navi: Don't look at me. I didn't invite them. But now I wish I kind of had because it was soooo boring just being out there alone...in the dark...with freezing winds chilling your bones right down to the marrow and-  
  
Pierre: Well, duh! No one invited us!  
  
Link: WHAT?!  
  
Pierre: We were forced to come here.  
  
Link: By who?  
  
Zora: Lord Ganondorf. He roared and he growled and...signed an eviction notice!  
  
Link: Fine, alright! Anyone know where this Lord Ganondork guy is?  
  
Navi: OH I DO!! I DO!! PICK ME!! *Flies around*  
  
Link: Anyone else...know where he is? Anyone at all?  
  
Navi: Me! Meeeee!  
  
Link: Anyone?!  
  
Navi: I know! I know! Please?!  
  
Link: Okay, fine, although I know I am going to regret this.  
  
Navi: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Link: Okay, all...Hyrule...creatures. Don't get comfortable! Your stay is officially worn out! In fact, I am going to go talk to this Ganonpork guy right now and get you off of my land and back to the pit where you have come from!  
  
::Cheering occurrs:  
  
Link: *Pulls Navi's wing* You're coming with me...unfortunately.  
  
Navi: YAY! That's what I love to hear! Link and Navi, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big-city adventure! I love it! *Starts singing* On the road again... Sing it with me Link! I can't wait to get on the road again!  
  
Link: What did I tell you about singing?  
  
Navi: You said that no wonder I don't have any friends! And then I said that only a true friend would be that truly honest, which led to the discussion of you being a Hylian and how much you don't care about what people think, and then I said that I respected that and then I saw that big tree you live in and I was like WHOOOOOOO-  
  
Link: Shut up!  
  
Navi: Can I whistle it?  
  
Link: NO.  
  
Navi: Can I hum it?  
  
Link: Sure, why not?  
  
Navi: *Hums* 


	4. Lord Ganondorf

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~ At Ganon's Castle. ~  
  
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::Ganondorf's theme plays.::  
  
Ganondorf: *Walks down the hall towards into a torture chamber*  
  
Keese: *Blubbers as his head is thrusted into a tank of Like-likes*  
  
Ganondorf: That's enough. He's ready to talk!  
  
Keese: *Grunts as he is thrusted onto a metal table*  
  
Ganondorf: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Cough, cough. Darn asthma! *Holds up the Keese's amputated legs and plays with them* Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Keese...uh...man!  
  
Keese: You're a monster!  
  
Ganondorf: Eh? *Quickly changes into Ganon* So I am? But so are you! You and those stupid Hyrule creatures are purifying my horrible, and therefore beautiful world! Now, where are the others!  
  
Keese: Kill me! *Spits on Ganondorf*  
  
Ganon: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! I have tried to be fair to you creatures, and now you bring me no choice.  
  
Keese: You haven't been fair to us.  
  
Ganon: You're right I haven't. Now tell me or I'll-*Grabs the Keese's wing*  
  
Keese: Nuuuuuuu! Not my wing! Not my black, leathery wing!  
  
Ganon: Then tell me where they are!  
  
Keese: Okay, I'll tell! Do you know...the laboratory man?  
  
Ganon: The laboratory man?  
  
Keese: The laboratory man.  
  
Ganon: Yes...I know the laboratory man... The one that lives near Lake Hylia?  
  
Keese: Well, she's married to the laboratory man.  
  
Ganon: The laboratory man?  
  
Keese: The laboratory man!  
  
Ganon: So she's married to the laboratory man-wait, let's stop this. I don't even know who "she" is and it's really riddin' me out.  
  
Keese: Okay.  
  
Bunch of Stalfos: *Burst into door* My Lord, we have found it!  
  
Ganon: Then bring it in, you dumbnuts!  
  
Stalfos #1: *Brings it in, but it is too heavy and it crushes him*  
  
::Harp music plays::  
  
Bunch of Stalfos: Oooh...  
  
Keese: Oooh...  
  
Ganon: *Looks at the genetically-enhanced Magic Mirror from Link to the Past* Magic Mirror...  
  
Keese: Don't tell him anything! *Gets hit with Ganon's tail and falls into a trashcan* Noooo!  
  
Ganon: Good evening! Mirror, mirror, on the wall, isn't this the most un- perfect kingdom of them all?  
  
Magic Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.  
  
Ganon: Um, Iron Knuckle...  
  
Iron Knuckle: *Breaks a mirror*  
  
Magic Mirror: UH, what I mean is all you have to do is marry a princess and you can be king!  
  
Ganon: Go on...  
  
Magic Mirror: So my Lord, just sit back and meet today's eligible bachelorettes and heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere they are!:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number one is a mentally-abused shut-in from a ranch far, far away. She likes horses and ponies anytime! Her hobbies include cleaning the stables for the evil Ingo! Please welcome...MALON!  
  
Bachelorette number two is a scale-wearing girl from the land of water! Although she lives with like, nine other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her scaly, slimy lips and find out what a livewire she is! Give it up for...RUTO!  
  
Bachelorette number three is a blue-eyed blonde from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot molten lava, up on top of Death Mountain! But don't let that cool you off; she's a loaded bow who likes impersonating Sheikah and getting caught by evil men. Yours for the rescuing...PRINCESS ZELDA!  
  
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Magic Mirror: So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorrette number three?  
  
Bunch of Stalfos: Two! Three! Two! One! Two! Three! Two! Three!  
  
Ganon: One...hrrnnnmm...hmmmm....  
  
Iron Knuckle: Pick three, My Lord!  
  
Ganon: Okay, number three!  
  
Magic Mirror: Lord Ganon....dorf...you have chosen Princess Zelda.  
  
::Music plays and Stalfos cheer::  
  
Ganon: Princess Zelda... She's perfect! All I have to do is find someone who can-  
  
Magic Mirror: Although I do think I should tell you something that happens at night-  
  
Ganon: Yes, I'll do it!  
  
Magic Mirror: Yes, but after sunset-  
  
Ganon: Silence! I will make Zelda my queen and then Dark Hyrule will have the perfect queen! Knuckle, assemble your finest men! We are going to have...a tournament! 


	5. Ganon's Castle

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~ In front of Ganon's Castle. ~  
  
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Navi: Well, that's it! That's it! I told you it was right there! I told you!  
  
Link: *Looks up* That must be Ganon's Castle.  
  
Navi: Yup! That's the place!  
  
Link: Do you think he's compensating up there for something? *Starts laughing and then stops. Starts walking*  
  
Navi: Hey, Link! Wait up!  
  
Queen Gohma: *Running towards Ganon's Castle with her kids* Hurry, darlings. We're late. Hurry.  
  
Link: *Turns and looks around* Hey you!  
  
Turnstile (Dressed up as Ganondorf): AAAAAAAAAH!! *Starts running*  
  
Link: Hey, wait, I just wanted to-hey, wait!  
  
Turnstile: *Whimpering and running*  
  
Link: *Sighs*  
  
Turnstile: *Hits railing and falls down*  
  
Navi: *Laughs*  
  
Link: *Sighs*  
  
::Instrumental muzak plays::  
  
Link: It's quiet...too quiet.  
  
::Wind blows:  
  
Link: Where is everyone!!  
  
Navi: Hey, look at this! *Flies over to a box*  
  
::Clattering noise speeds up over time. A little box opens up to reveal tons and tons of little Kakariko Villagers singing to giant Ganondorfs::  
  
Information: Do do, do do do do! Welcome to Ganon's Castle; it's a horrible castle! Yes we have many rules, let us be a hastle! Don't do magic, stay in line and we'll get along fine-Ganon's Castle is a horrible place! Please keep off the nonexistent grass, wipe your shoes, wipe your.........FACE!! Ganon's Castle is, Ganon's Castle is, Ganon's Castle is a horrible plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!! *Takes a snapshot and then box closes*  
  
Navi: Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!  
  
Link: No, no, no, no! No. No!  
  
:: A trumpet fanfare can be heard along with a Bloodthirsty Crowd cheering.::  
  
Ganondorf's Voice: Brave knights... You are the worst and the dimmest in all the land...  
  
Navi: *Hums Information theme*  
  
Ganondorf's Voice: ...For today one of you shall prove himself...  
  
Link: Okay, you're on your way to a smacked bottom...although I wonder if you even have a bottom.  
  
Navi: Sorry about that.  
  
Ganondorf's Voice: That champion shall have the honor-no...-the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Zelda from the evil fire- breathing dragon. If for any reason the champion is unsucessful, then the runner up shall go, and so on and so forth! Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make!  
  
::Cheering::  
  
Ganondorf: Let the tournament begin!  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: *Begins to gasp*  
  
Ganondorf: What is that?  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: *Begins to turn red and then blue because they are still gasping*  
  
Ganondorf: It's hideous!  
  
Link: *Appears* What...?! Oh, that's not very nice! *Turns to Navi* It's only a fairy.  
  
Navi: Huh?  
  
Ganondorf: Indeed. New plan, everyone! Whoever kills the Hylian is the new champion! Have at him!  
  
Bunch of Contestants: *Surround Link*  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: Get him!  
  
Link: *Looks around* Come on, hang on. Just wait a second.  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: Go ahead! Get him!  
  
Link: Can't we just settle this over a pint? *Holds up some Lon Lon Milk*  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: Kill the beast!  
  
Link: No? Alright, then. Come and get me!  
  
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~ A really crappy fight scene occurs. Link is now seen battling people inside a wrestling ring. ~  
  
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Navi: Hey, Link! Tag me! Tag me!  
  
Link: *Slaps Navi's hand, but since he doesn't know where Navi's hand is, he slaps Navi instead*  
  
Navi: Ouch! *Does some wrestling moves*  
  
Link: Ah! *Bangs head with Navi and laughs* Yeah!  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: The chair! Give him the chair!  
  
Link: *Hits a contestant with a folding chair*  
  
::Wrestling bell dings::  
  
Link: *Walks into the middle of the arena, holding up arms* Oh yeah! Ah, ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'till Thursday! Try the veal! Ha ha! *Laughs*  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: *Gasps and murmurs*  
  
Stalfos: Shall I give the order, sir?  
  
Ganondorf: No, I have a better idea! People of Ganon's Castle, I give you our champion!  
  
Link: WHAT?!  
  
Ganondorf: Congratulations, Hylian. You have won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest!  
  
Link: Quest?! I am already on a quest-a quest to get my forest back!  
  
Ganondorf: Your forest?  
  
Link: Yeah, my forest! The one where you dumped all of those Hyrule creatures.  
  
Bloodthirsty Crowd: *Murmuring*  
  
Ganondorf: Indeed. All right, Hylian, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your forest back.  
  
Link: Exactly the way it was?  
  
Ganondorf: Right down to the last mud-covered toadstool.  
  
Link: And the squatters?  
  
Ganondorf: Good as gone!  
  
Link: ...What kind of quest? 


	6. Of Layers and Brimstone

***********************************************************************  
  
~ Trudging through Hyrule Field, we meet our two heroes. ~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Navi: Okay, let me get this straight: you've got to find a dragon and rescue a princess just so Ganondorf can give you back your forest, which you only don't have because he filled it with those freaks in the first place; is that what you are saying?  
  
Link: You know what? Maybe there is a good reason why fairies shouldn't talk.  
  
Navi: I don't get it, Link! Why don't you just pull some of that Hylian stuff on him? You know! Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make his bread...you know? The whole Hylian trip!  
  
Link: I don't grind bones, remember?  
  
Navi: Oh, yeah!  
  
Link: But I guess I could've decapitated a whole village, stick their heads on a pike, get the Master Sword and cut open their spleens; drink their fluids! Does that sound good to you?  
  
Navi: Um...no.  
  
Link: Well, for your information, there's a lot more to Hylians than people think!  
  
Navi: Like what?  
  
Link: Example? Okay...hm... *Picks up an onion* Hylians are like onions!  
  
Navi: *Sniffs* They smell bad?  
  
Link: Yes. ...NO!  
  
Navi: Oh! They make you cry!  
  
Link: No!  
  
Navi: Ohhhhh, if you leave them out in the sun, they'll turn brown and start growing little white hairs!  
  
Link: NO! Layers! Onions have layers. Hylians have layers. Onions have layers. Hylians have layers. Get it? We both have layers. *Throws the onion and continues walking*  
  
Navi: Oh, so you both have layers... *Winces* Well you know...not everyone likes onions... *Flies after Link* CAKE! Everyone loves cake!  
  
Link: I DON'T CARE...what everyone likes. Hylians are not like cakes!  
  
Navi: You know what everyone else likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person and you go, "Hey man, wanna get some parfaits?" "No, I don't like parfaits!" Parfaits are delicious!  
  
Link: NO! You dense, irritating miniature beast of burden! Hylians are like onions! End of story! *Waves* Bye bye. See you later. *Storms off*  
  
Navi: Bye! But parfaits have to be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!  
  
Link: I think I prefer your humming!  
  
Navi: Do you have a tissue or something, because I'm making a mess. Just the word "parfaits" makes me start drooling!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
~ While climbing up Death Mountain trail. ~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Navi: Phew, Link! Did you do that? I mean, you've got to warn someone before cracking off-my mouth was open and everything!  
  
Link: Trust me Navi, if it were me...YOU'D BE DEAD. *Sniffs* It's brimstone! We must be getting closer.  
  
Navi: *Mumbles* I know what I smelled and it wasn't brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone either.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
~ At the entrance of Death Mountain Crater. ~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Link: *Stares at the Fire Temple* Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Ha ha ha... *Stops laughing and continues walking towards a bridge*  
  
Navi: Uh, Link... *Looks at a skeleton* Remember when you said that Hylians have layers?  
  
Link: Go on.  
  
Navi: I have a confession to make. Well, uh, fairies don't have layers. We wear our fear right on our sleeves.  
  
Link: But Navi...fairies don't have sleeves.  
  
Navi: You know what I mean, Link!  
  
Link: Oh, don't tell me you are afraid of heights!  
  
Navi: No, I'm just uncomfortable being on a rickety bridge over a lake of hot molten lava!  
  
Link: Navi, I'm here right beside you, okay?  
  
Navi: That's what I'm afraid of.  
  
Link: *Ignores Navi* Now, we are going to conquer this thing one little wingstroke at a time.  
  
Navi: Really?  
  
Link: Really really.  
  
Navi: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.  
  
Link: Just keep moving...and don't look down!  
  
Navi: Alright, don't look down! *Start flying over the bridge* Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep moving and don't look down. Whew, I'm tired. *Lands on a plank on the bridge, and the plank snaps off and tumbles into the lava; Navi flies up just in time* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, LINK!! I'M LOOKING DOWN! Aaah, oh holy goddesses, I can't do this! Just let me off now, please!  
  
Link: But Navi, we are already half way through!  
  
Navi: Yeah, but I know that half is safer!  
  
Link: Okay...fine! I don't have time for this! You go back.  
  
Navi: No, Link! Wait!  
  
Link: Just don't... *Thinks* Let's have a dance, shall we? *Steps backwards and the bridge shakes*  
  
Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAH, DON'T DO THAT!  
  
Link: Do what? This? *Shakes the bridge*  
  
Navi: Yes, that!  
  
Link: Yes? Do it? Okay! *Grins and shakes the bridge*  
  
Navi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *Starts flying backwards* AAAH, NO LINK! NO!  
  
Link: You said to do it, so I'm doing it!  
  
Navi: Oh, holy goddesses, I am going to die! I'm going to die, I'm going to die! Link! I'm going to die! *Looks around and sees that she's on the other side of the bridge* Oh!  
  
Link: *Pinches Navi's cheek* That'll do, Navi. That'll do.  
  
Navi: Cool! So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck, anyway?  
  
Link: Inside...waiting for us to rescue her.  
  
Navi: ....I was talking about the dragon, Link.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
PKC: Sorry it took me so long to update! I kind of had a writer's block at the onions part! Thanks for the great reviews, they are really appreciated! I'm on a roll now, so expect more chapters and updates! ^-^  
  
*********************************************************************** 


	7. The Fire Temple

***********************************************************************  
  
~ Inside the Fire Temple. ~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Navi: *Whispers and crowds around Link* You scared?  
  
Link: No, but SHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Navi: Oh, me neither. *Gasps as she sees a skeleton* Of course, there is nothing wrong with being afraid! Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation! An unfamiliar, dangerous situation I might add! With a dragon that breathes fire, eats Gorons, and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean? I sure as heck ain't no coward... I know that! *Gasps*  
  
Link: *Whirls around after putting on some knight's armor* NAVI! Two things! SHUT...UP! Now go over there and look for some stairs!  
  
Navi: I thought we were looking for the princess!  
  
Link: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.  
  
Navi: What makes you think that?  
  
Link: I read it in a book once! Let's go!  
  
Navi: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. *Flies away from Link, not even knowing what the hell stairs are* I'll find those stairs! I'll whip their butt, too! Yup, hup, two! Those stairs won't know which way they're going!  
  
:: A creaking noise is heard. ::  
  
Navi: I'm going to take drastic steps! Kick it to the curb! Don't mess with me! I'm the stair master! I've mastered the stairs! I wish I had a step here, a step there! I'd step all over it! *Flies over some stairs*  
  
Link: *Is somewhere else outside, looking up at the tower* Well, at least we know where the princess is. Now where's the--  
  
Navi: --DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGON!!!!!!!!!! *Dodges a burst of flame and flies away frantically*  
  
Volvagia: *Roars and follows*  
  
Link: Navi, look out!  
  
Navi: *Screaming*  
  
Link: *Grabs Navi's wing* Gotcha!  
  
Navi: *Screaming*  
  
Link: *Lets Navi go, and she goes inside a little tower that wraps around and lets out on a bridge over the area*  
  
Volvagia: *Roars and darts after Navi*  
  
Link: *Grabs Volvagia's tail*  
  
Volvagia: *Roars and flings Link through the air with his tail*  
  
Link: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! *Flies out of sight*  
  
Navi: *Still flies over the bridge when Volvagia chops the part off where she was going to run to.* AAH! *Turns around, but Volvagia chops off the exit with his tail* AAH!  
  
Volvagia: *Growls*  
  
Navi: No, NO! *Turns around and sees Volvagia* AAAAAAAH! What large teeth you have!  
  
Volvagia: *Growls*  
  
Navi: I mean, um, large, white, sparkling teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must use Clorox or something because that is one dazzling smile! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness?  
  
Volvagia: *Smiles at Navi and strokes back his fiery mane with a claw*  
  
Navi: And you know what else? You know what else? You're a boy dragon! I mean, um, OF COURSE YOU'RE A BOY DRAGON! Because you are reeking masculine beauty.  
  
Volvagia: *Winks at Navi*  
  
Navi: What's wrong with you? Got something in your eye?  
  
Volvagia: *Blows smoke at Navi*  
  
Navi: Oooh, oh...oh. Well you know, *Coughs* I am an asthmatic, and I can't work with you if you're going to be blowing smoke rings and everything.  
  
Volvagia: *Grabs Navi by the wing with his teeth and flies off*  
  
Navi: *Whimpers* NOOOO! LINK! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!!! 


	8. Princess Zelda

***********************************************************************  
  
~ In the highest room of the tallest tower. ~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Link: *Sails through the air, flies through the window and lands on the floor*  
  
Zelda: *Stares at Link without him noticing* Oh, oh, oh! *Straightens out dress, and grabs a bouquet of flowers before pretending to go to sleep*  
  
Link: *Stares at Zelda* ... *Shakes her hard*  
  
Zelda: AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Wake up!  
  
Zelda: What?  
  
Link: Are you...Princess Zelda?  
  
Zelda: I am... I was awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me!  
  
Link: Aw, that's so nice! ...BUT LET'S GO! *Starts for the door*  
  
Zelda: But wait, Sir Knight! This be-eth our first meeting! Shouldn't it be a wonderful, romantic moment?  
  
Link: Yeah... Um, sorry lady, there's no time.  
  
Zelda: Hey, wait! What are you doing? You're supposed to sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed!  
  
Link: You've had a lot of time to plan this out, haven't you? *Busts open door, grabs Zelda's wrist and starts running down flights of stairs*  
  
Zelda: AAAAAAAAH!! But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem! A ballad! A sonnet! A limerick! Or something!  
  
Link: *Stops* I don't think so!  
  
Zelda: Well, may I at least know the name of my champion?  
  
Link: Er...Link.  
  
Zelda: Sir Link...I pray that you take this favor...as a token of my gratitude! *Holds up a little hanky*  
  
Link: Thanks! *Wipes his face*  
  
::Volvagia can be heard roaring.::  
  
Zelda: You didn't slay the dragon?!  
  
Link: It's on my "to do" list! Now let's go! *Starts running*  
  
Zelda: *Follows* Argh! But this isn't right! You're meant to come in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!  
  
Link: *Points to a skeleton surrounded by ashes* Yeah, right before they burst into flames!  
  
Zelda: That's not the point! *Stops* Hey! What are you doing? The exit's over there!  
  
Link: Well, I gotta save my ass-I mean fairy!  
  
Zelda: What kind of knight are you?  
  
Link: One of a kind! *Walks away*  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
~ In a hidden room somewhere.~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Navi: *Is wrapped up within Volvagia's tail* Slow down; slow down, man, please! I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old fasion! Ha, ha! You know? I don't want to rush into a...er...physical relationship!  
  
Link: *Sneaks into the room from the second floor, looking around*  
  
Navi: I'm not emotionally ready for a, er, commitment of this, er, magnitude is really the word I'm looking for! Magnitude!  
  
Volvagia: *Touches Navi*  
  
Navi: What? Hey! That's unwanted physical content!  
  
Volvagia: *Lights an ancient chandelier above his head with his fiery breath*  
  
Navi: Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay, let's just back up and take one little step at a time. I mean, we really oughta get to know each other first, as friends-er, maybe even as penpals! Because I'm on the road a lot and I love recieving cards and I'd really love to stay but-  
  
Volvagia: *Plays with Navi's wing*  
  
Navi: Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my wing! That's my personal wing! I don't give you permission-hey, what are you going to do with that? Hey, now! No, way! No, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, no!  
  
Link: *Jumps from the second floor, onto the chandelier, causing it to fall around Volvagia's neck and keep him there like a collar*  
  
Navi: Oh!  
  
Link: Come on, let's go! *Grabs Navi and runs out of the room, dodging Volvagia's fiery blasts*  
  
Zelda: *Gasps*  
  
Navi: Hi, princess!  
  
Zelda: It talks!  
  
Link: Yeah, getting it to shut up is the trick!  
  
~ Everyone starts running around the tower, Volvagia following, making knots with the chandelier's cord/chain/thing. ~  
  
Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Link: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *Groans*  
  
Volvagia: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!  
  
Link/Navi/Zelda: *Gets trapped* ... *Gasps*  
  
Link: Okay, you two head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon! *Takes the Master Sword and sticks it in the middle of the chain knots*  
  
/ SLOW MOTION OCCURS \  
  
Volvagia: *Chases after Link, getting ready to breathe fire*  
  
Link: *Running super-slow* RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!  
  
Link/Navi/Zelda: *Start running*  
  
Volvagia: *Exhales fire*  
  
/ REGULAR SPEED OCCURS \  
  
L/N/Z: *Runs across the bridge, but due to the fire that Volvagia breathes, the bridge snaps in two leaving the friends dangling over the side*  
  
Zelda: *Gasps*  
  
Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *Is being held on by a wing*  
  
Volvagia: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARR!!! *Lunges towards the friends*  
  
Zelda: *Screams*  
  
Link: *Pulls everyone up back onto the other side*  
  
Volvagia: *Chain chokes him so he goes back towards the castle* ROOOOAR!!  
  
Navi/Zelda: *Pants as they walk away with Link*  
  
Volvagia: *Curls up on the other side and looks sad* Roar... *Whimpers* 


	9. The Adventure Continues

************************************************************************  
  
~ At the scene where the little "brimstone" part happened. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Zelda: *Runs down the hill* You did it! You rescued me! You're-wonderful!  
  
Navi: *Flies down the hill and lands on the ground*  
  
Zelda: You're...  
  
Link: *Rolls down the hill and crushes Navi*  
  
Zelda: ...A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But... *Goes into Shakespearian English* Thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure! I'm eternally in your debt!  
  
Navi: *Flies from under Link and clears throat*  
  
Zelda: *Turns to Navi and hugs her* And where would a great knight be without his noble, uh...nymph!  
  
Navi: Alright, I hope you heard that Link. She called me a noble nymph! She thinks I'm a nymph!  
  
Zelda: *Laughs uncomfortably* Um... The battle is won! You may remove your helmet, sir knight!  
  
Link: Uh...no!  
  
Zelda: WHY NOT?  
  
Link: I have um, helmet hair!  
  
Zelda: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer!  
  
Link: No, no, no you...would...'st...  
  
Zelda: But how will you kiss me?  
  
Link: What? That wasn't in the job description!  
  
Navi: Maybe it's a perk!  
  
Zelda: No, it's destiny. You know how it goes: A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and there they share true love's first kiss.  
  
Navi: Hmmm...you mean with Link? Wait, wait. Hold, hold! Hold on a second! So you think that Link is your true love?  
  
Zelda: Um...yeah, I guess so?  
  
~ Navi and Link burst out laughing. ~  
  
Navi: You think...*Giggle*...is your true love! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Zelda: Just what is so funny?  
  
Link: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?  
  
Zelda: Of course you are! You're my rescuer! Now just remove the helmet!  
  
Link: Look, I really don't think this is a good idea...  
  
Zelda: Just take off the helmet!  
  
Link: I'm not going to!  
  
Zelda: *Soft, dangerous voice* Take...it...off...  
  
Link: No!  
  
Zelda: NOW!  
  
Link: Okay! At easy, your highness! *Reluctantly pulls off his helmet and smiles*  
  
Zelda: *Backs up* You're...you're a Hylian!  
  
Link: Well, who were you expecting? Prince Charming?  
  
Zelda: Well, yes, actually! Oh, no! This is all wrong! *Turns around and starts walking away* You're not supposed to be a Hylian!  
  
Link: *Sighs* Look, Princess, I've been sent to fetch you for Lord Ganondorf, okay? He's the want that wants you, not me!  
  
Zelda: Then why didn't he come rescue me?  
  
Link: Good question! You can ask him that when we get there!  
  
Zelda: But, I have to be rescued by my true love! Not some Hylian and his pet!  
  
Navi: Well, so much for noble nymph!  
  
Link: Look, Princess, you're not making my job easier.  
  
Zelda: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem! You can tell Lord Ganondorf if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him RIGHT HERE! *Sits down on a rock*  
  
Link: HEY! I'm no one's messenger boy, alright? *Looms over Zelda* I'm a delivery boy.  
  
Zelda: You wouldn't dare...  
  
Link: *Grabs Zelda and thrusts her over his shoulder like a rag doll* You coming, Navi? *Starts walking away*  
  
Navi: Right behind you, Link!  
  
Zelda: Put me down or you will suffer the consequences! *Kicks and flails around* This is not dignified! Put me down! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
~ Five hours later, it is dusk, and the three "friends" are walking through the forest. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Navi: Okay, next question. Say there's this man that digs you, but you don't really like him THAT way. How do you let him down real easy, without making him angry and getting burned to a crisp and eaten?  
  
Zelda: You just tell him he's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your-  
  
Link: *Bumps Zelda*  
  
Zelda: HEY! *Sighs* The sooner we get to Ganon's Castle, the better!  
  
Navi: Oh yeah, you're gonna love it there, Princess! It's beautiful! Wait a minute... No it's not! Oh, well! Never mind!  
  
Zelda: And what of my groom-to-be? What's he like?  
  
Link: *Lets go of Zelda and she falls to the ground* Well, let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Ganondorf's stature are in high supply! *Laughs*  
  
Navi: I don't know, Link. There are those who think greatly of him! *Laughs*  
  
Zelda: Stop it! Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Ganondorf is.  
  
Link: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess! But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.  
  
Zelda: ...Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we make camp?  
  
Link: No, that'll take longer! We can keep on moving.  
  
Zelda: But there are...robbers in the woods!  
  
Navi: Whoa! Time out, Link! Camp is definately starting to sound good!  
  
Link: Oh come on. I'm scarier than anything we are going to see out here!  
  
Zelda: *Storms up to Link* I NEED SOMEWHERE TO CAMP...NOW!  
  
::Birds flutter away.:: 


	10. Heart Confessions

************************************************************************  
  
~ At the edge of a rocky gorge. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Link: *Looks into a cave* Hey, over here!  
  
Navi: *Stares at it* Link! We can do better than that! I don't think that is fit for a princess!  
  
Zelda: *Looks around* No, no! It's perfect! It just needs some homey touches!  
  
Link: Homey touches...?  
  
Zelda: *Rips off a giant piece of bark off a tree* A door? *Goes inside the cave and slams the bark over the entrance* Well, gentlemen, I bid thee goodnight!  
  
Navi: You want me to come in and read you a bedtime story or something? Because I will!  
  
Zelda: I SAID GOODNIGHT!  
  
Link: *Looks at a boulder and starts pushing it over the doorway*  
  
Navi: Link, what are you doing?!  
  
Link: *Laughs and stops* I just...oh, you know! Oh, come on! I was only kidding!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
~ A couple minutes later and it's nighttime. Link and Navi are lying on their back, admiring the stars. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Link: And, er, that one's Dampé, the only Hylian to spit over three wheatfields.  
  
Navi: Right, yeah... Hey, can you tell me my future from these stars?  
  
Link: The stars don't tell futures, Navi, they tell stories. *Looks up* Look, there's "Bean-selling Guy" the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. *Laughs*  
  
Navi: Okay, now I know you are making this up!  
  
Link: No, really! Look, there he is...*points*...and there's the group of customers running away from his stench!  
  
Navi: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots!  
  
Link: You know Navi, sometimes, things are more than they appear, hmmm? Forget it.  
  
Navi: *Sighs* Hey, Link. What are we going to do when we get our forest back, anyway?  
  
Link: "Our forest"?  
  
Navi: Yeah, you know! After we're through rescuing the princess and everything!  
  
Link: "We"? Navi, there's no "we", there's no "our"!  
  
Navi: Hmm?  
  
Link: It's just me and my forest. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot fence around my land! *Turns back to Navi*  
  
Navi: *Looks down* You cut me deep, just now, Link. You cut me real deep. *Flies over to Link* You know...I think this whole wall idea is just a way to keep someone out!  
  
Link: NAW, YA THINK?  
  
Navi: Are you hiding something?  
  
Link: Never mind, Navi!  
  
Navi: Ohhhhhhhh, this is another one of them "onion" things, isn't it?  
  
Link: No, it's one of those "drop it, and leave it alone" things!  
  
Navi: Well, why don't you want to talk about it?  
  
Link: Why do you want to talk about it?  
  
Navi: Why are you blocking?  
  
Link: I'm not blocking!  
  
Navi: Oh, yes you are!  
  
Link: Navi, I'm warning you!  
  
Navi: Who are you trying to keep out, Link! Tell me that!  
  
Link: EVERYONE, OKAY?  
  
Navi: Ohhhhhhhh, now we're getting somewhere!  
  
Link: Oh, for the love of Din! *Gets up and walks over to the brink of the gorge and sits down*  
  
Navi: Hey, what's your problem, Link! *Follows* What do you have against the world, anyway?  
  
Link: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, alright? It's the world that has a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "AAAARRRRGH! It's a big, stupid, ugly Hylian!" *Sighs* They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.  
  
Navi: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly Hylian.  
  
Link: Yeah, I know.  
  
Navi: So, er, are there any fairies up there?  
  
Link: Well, um, there's Tara...the small...and annoying,  
  
Navi: Okay, okay, I see it. I see it now. The big, shiny one right? There, right there!  
  
Link: Navi, that's the moon.  
  
Navi: Oh.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
~ In Ganondorf's bedroom, we see a shot of Ganondorf lying in bed with a martini in his hand, watching the Magic Mirror. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Ganondorf: Again, show me again!  
  
Magic Mirror: *Flashes Ganondorf a pissed face and then shows a picture of Princess Zelda with music playing in the background*  
  
Ganondorf: Ah, perfect. *Covers his man-bosoms with the blanket and smiles* 


	11. Monsieur Skull

************************************************************************  
  
~ Early the next morning... ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Zelda: *Opens the door to her cave and looks around*  
  
Link: *Snores*  
  
Zelda: *Darts off into the forest, spots Kaepora Gaebora sitting on his wife's nest and starts singing "Zelda's Lullaby"* Laaaa, la laaaa! La, la, laaa, la, laaaaa!  
  
Kaepora: *Vocalizes* Laaa, la LA, la la, lalalaaaa!  
  
Zelda: *Sings* Laaa, la laaaa!  
  
Kaepora: *Vocalizes* Laaa, la laaaa!  
  
Zelda: *Sings* Laaa, la LA, la LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Kaepora: *Tries to vocalize* LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Zelda: LAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kaepora: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *Puffs up, chokes and then...*  
  
::POOF!::  
  
Kaepora: *Is nothing but two singed feet and falling feathers*  
  
Zelda: *Looks into Kaepora's nest and sees some eggs*  
  
~ Later. ~  
  
Link: *Sniffs, wakes up and yawns*  
  
Navi: *Sleeping* Mmmm, yeah, you know I like that. C'mon, man, I said I like that.  
  
Link: *Cuffs Navi* Navi, wake up!  
  
Navi: *Half-asleep* Huh, what?  
  
Link: WAKE UP!  
  
Navi: What?  
  
Zelda: *Looks over from roasting some eggs over a little rock* Good morning. How do you like your eggs?  
  
Navi: Good morning, Princess!  
  
Link: What's all this about?  
  
Zelda: You know...we kind of got off at a bad start yesterday, and I wanted to make it up. *Gives Link and Navi some eggs* After all, you did rescue me.  
  
Link: Uh...thanks...  
  
Navi: *Sniffs the eggs*  
  
Zelda: Eat up! We have a long day ahead of us! *Starts singing*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
~ While walking through the forest, on the way to Ganon's Castle. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Link: *Burps*  
  
Navi: Link!  
  
Link: What? It's a compliment! Better in than out, I always say! *Laughs*  
  
Navi: Now, that's no way to behave in front of a princess!  
  
Zelda: *Walks past them and burps*  
  
Navi and Link: *Stare*  
  
Zelda: Thanks.  
  
Navi: She's as nasty as you are!  
  
Link: *Laughs* You know, you're not exactly what I expected.  
  
Zelda: Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. *Starts singing*  
  
Skull Kid: *With a cheesy French accent* La liberteeeeeeeeeee! Hey! *Swoops down from the trees, holding onto a rope, swipes Zelda and swings back up to the branches*  
  
Link: Princess!  
  
Skull Kid: *Laughs*  
  
Zelda: What are you doing?  
  
Skull Kid: Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green-wearing...*Makes kissing sounds*...beast!  
  
Link: Hey! That's my princess! Go find your own!!  
  
Skull Kid: Please, Hylian! Can't you see I'm a little beeey-zeee (busy) here?  
  
Zelda: Look, pal! I don't know who you think you are...  
  
Skull Kid: Ah, but of course! Oh, how rude! Oh, merry meeeeeeeeen! *Laughs*  
  
~ A bunch of Deku Scrubs pop out from behind the trees. ~  
  
Deku Scrub #1: *Starts playing the accordion*  
  
Merry "Men": Ta da da da da da woo!  
  
Skull Kid: *Sings* I steal from the rich, but don't give to the needy!  
  
Merry "Men": He takes the whole percentage!  
  
Skull Kid: I'm so greedy! I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm dull!  
  
Merry "Men": What a guy, Monsieur SKULL!  
  
Skull Kid: Break it down!  
  
Merry "Men": *Start riverdancing!*  
  
Skull Kid: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid.  
  
Merry "Men": What he's basically saying is that he likes to get-  
  
Skull Kid: Paid!  
  
Merry "Men": Sooooooo...  
  
Skull Kid: *Starts snapping fingers to the beat* When a Hylian in a bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad!  
  
Merry "Men": That's bad! That's bad! That's bad!  
  
Skull Kid: *Starts leading snapping Deku Scrubs towards Link* When a beauty's with a beast, that makes me awfully mad!  
  
Merry "Men": He's mad! He's mad! He's really, really, mad!  
  
Skull Kid: *Takes out a little dagger* I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart! Keep your eyes on me, boys! Because I'm about to STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!! *Gets kicked and becomes knocked out*  
  
Zelda: *Karate yells and does a little front flip*  
  
Merry "Men": *Gasp*  
  
Zelda: Man, that was annoying!  
  
Deku Scrub #2: Why you little... *Produces a bow and shoots off an arrow, but the arrow ricochets along some trees...*  
  
Link: *Grabs Navi before the arrow hits her...*  
  
Zelda: *Beats up the Deku Scrub*  
  
Deku Scrub #3: *Tries to attack Zelda, but Zelda smacks him with her hair and he gets knocked out*  
  
Zelda: *Gets surrounded by two Deku Scrubs* HI-YAH! *Jumps into the air, and does a mid-air split!*  
  
/ SCREEN PAUSES, THE CAMERA REVOLVES AROUND THE SCENE, LIKE IN "THE MATRIX" \  
  
Zelda: *Fixes hair*  
  
/ REGULAR MOTION IS RESTORED \  
  
Zelda: *Kicks the two Deku Scrubs*  
  
Deku Scrub #1: *Still playing the accordion while backed up against a tree*  
  
Zelda: *Runs up the Deku Scrub, runs up the tree, does a flip, lands on the ground and punches the Deku Scrub through the accordion, KO-ing him. She chuckles* Um, shall we? *Starts walking away*  
  
Link: *Stares at Zelda* Hold the phone... *Drops Navi*  
  
Navi: Oof!  
  
Link: *Runs after Zelda* Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on now! Where did that come from?  
  
Zelda: What?  
  
Link: That! Back there! That was amazing! Where did you learn all of that?  
  
Zelda: Well, *chuckles* when one lives alone, one has to learn these things in case there's a-there's an arrow in your butt! *Points*  
  
Link: *Turns around and examines his butt* Well, what do you know? *Pokes it and winces*  
  
Zelda: Oh no! This is my fault! I'm so sorry!  
  
Navi: Why? What's wrong?  
  
Zelda: Link's hurt.  
  
Navi: Link's hurt. Link's hurt? Oh, no! Link's gonna die!  
  
Link: Navi, I'm okay.  
  
Navi: You can't do this to me, Link! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?  
  
Zelda: Navi! Calm down! If you really want to help Link, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns!  
  
Navi: Blue flower, red thorns! I'm on it! Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Link! If you see a long tunnel, STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!  
  
Link and Zelda: NAVI!  
  
Navi: Oh, yeah, right! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns... *Flies off*  
  
Link: What are the flowers for?  
  
Zelda: Getting rid of Navi. Now if you hold still, I can yank this thing out. *Pulls on the arrow*  
  
Link: Ow! Easy on the yanking! *Twirls around in circles*  
  
Zelda: I'm sorry, but it has to come out! *Chases after the arrow*  
  
Link: No, it's tender! *Continues spinning*  
  
Zelda: Now hold on! *Continues chasing*  
  
Link: What you're doing is the opposite of help!  
  
Zelda: Don't move!  
  
Link: Look, time out!  
  
Zelda: Would you--*Grunts* Okay...what do you propose we do?  
  
~ Somewhere in the forest... ~  
  
Navi: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I were able to pick things up!  
  
Link's Voice: OW!  
  
Navi: Don't worry, Link! I'm coming!  
  
~ Back near Zelda and Link. ~  
  
Link: Ow, not good!  
  
Zelda: Okay, okay. I can almost see the head! *Pulls*  
  
Link: *Grunts*  
  
Zelda: It's just about-  
  
Link: Ow! *Falls over with Zelda on top of him* Ohh...  
  
Navi: *Comes back with no flowers* Ahem.  
  
Link: *Kicks Zelda off* It was nothing. We were just, uh...  
  
Navi: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?  
  
Link: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-UGH!!!!!  
  
Zelda: *Holds up the arrow and gives Link a proud look*  
  
Link: Ow...  
  
Navi: Hey, what's that? *Nervous chuckle* Is that...is that blood? *Sighs and faints* 


	12. A Field, a Windmill, and Lots of Love

************************************************************************  
  
~ A couple of hours have passed. Link and Zelda have been walking together for some time now, growing more and more in love within each second. Navi just flew behind, being ignored. Now the three friends have finally reached Hyrule field again. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Link: There it is, Princess! Your future awaits!  
  
Zelda: That's Ganon's Castle?  
  
Navi: Yeah, I know. You know, Link thinks Lord Ganondorf is compensating up there for something, which I think means he has a really small--*Gets smacked*--OW!  
  
Link: Well, I guess we better move on...  
  
Zelda: Sure, but Link! I'm uh...I'm worried about Navi!  
  
Link: What?  
  
Zelda: I mean, look at him! He doesn't look good at all!  
  
Navi: What are you talking about? I feel fine!  
  
Zelda: Well, that's what they all say, before they are lying on their backs.  
  
Navi: ??  
  
Zelda: DEAD.  
  
Link: You know! She's right! You look awful! Do you want to sit down?  
  
Zelda: You know...I'll make some tea!  
  
Navi: Well, I didn't want to see anything, but I have this twinge on my back and when I turn my wing like this--::CRUNCH::--OW! See?  
  
Link: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner!  
  
Zelda: I'll get the firewood!  
  
Navi: Hey! Where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my toes! *Looks around* I DON'T HAVE ANY TOES!!!! *Sniffs* I think I need a hug...  
  
************************************************************************  
  
~ Some time later. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Zelda: *Is eating something impaled on a stick* Mmm... Mmmm...! This is good! What is it?  
  
Link: Er, cucco...rotisserie style!  
  
/ CAMERA PANS OVER TO A SHOT OF A CUCCO BEING ROASTED ON A PIKE \  
  
Zelda: No kidding? Well, this is delicious!  
  
Link: Well, they are also great in stews! Not to brag, but I make a mean cucco stew.  
  
Zelda: *Sighs and looks over towards Ganon's Castle* I guess I'll be dining differently tomorrow night...  
  
Link: *Takes a bite of cucco* Maybe you can visit me in the forest sometime! I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you! Forest rabbit soup, fisheye tartare, you name it.  
  
Zelda: *Laughs* I'd like that.  
  
Link: *Slurps up a feather and laughs* Um...Princess...? *Leans in closer*  
  
Zelda: Yes, Link? *Leans in towards Link*  
  
Link: Um...I was wondering if you... *Sighs* Are you going to finish that? *Goes in for a kiss*  
  
Navi: *Pops up outta nowhere* MAN, ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC? JUST LOOK AT THAT SUNSET!!!  
  
Zelda: Sunset? *Jumps up* Oh, no! It's late! It's very late!  
  
Link: What?  
  
Navi: Oh, now I see what's going on here!  
  
Zelda: *Looks nervous*  
  
Navi: You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?  
  
Zelda: Yes! That's it! I'm terrified! You know, I'd better go inside! *Runs towards the newly-replaced windmill from Kakariko Village*  
  
Navi: Well, don't be afraid, Princess! You know, I used to be afraid of the dark, too! Hey, wait a minute...I still am afraid of the dark!  
  
Zelda: *Heads inside the windmill* Goodnight. *Closes door behind her*  
  
Link: Goodnight...  
  
Navi: Ohhhh, now I really know what's going on around here!  
  
Link: What are you talking about?  
  
Navi: Hey, I don't even want to hear it! Look, I'm a fairy and I have instincts and I know you two are diggin' on each other-I can feel it!  
  
Link: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Ganondorf!  
  
Navi: Oh, come on, Link! Just wake up and smell the pheromones!  
  
Link: I, er...there's nothing to tell! Even if I did tell her that, well, you know...and I'm not saying I do...because I don't... Look, she's a princess, and I'm...  
  
Navi: A Hylian?  
  
Link: *Has an irritated look on his face* Yes. *Walks away*  
  
Navi: Hey! Where are you going?  
  
Link: To get...to get more firewood. 


	13. Truth Revealed

************************************************************************  
  
~ Inside the windmill, we see that a certain fairy has snuck inside. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Navi: Princess? Princess Zelda? Princess...where are you?  
  
::Wings fluttering can be heard.::  
  
Navi: *Shoots a glance* Princess?  
  
::Creak...::  
  
Navi: *Gasps* It's very spooky in here! I'm not playing any games! *Bumps into Zelda, who looks REALLY ugly*  
  
Zelda: AHHHHHHHH!  
  
Navi: AHHHHHHHH!  
  
Zelda: No, no!  
  
Navi: Oh, no! Help!!  
  
Zelda: Shh!  
  
Navi: Link! Link! Link!  
  
Zelda: No! It's okay, it's okay...  
  
Navi: What did you do with the princess?  
  
Zelda: Navi, I am the princess!  
  
Navi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!  
  
Zelda: It's me...in this body!  
  
Navi: Oh my goddess, you ATE the princess! *Leans in towards Zelda's stomach* Can you hear me?  
  
Zelda: Navi!  
  
Navi: *Still talking to the stomach* Keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!  
  
Zelda: NO!  
  
Navi: Link! Link!!  
  
Zelda: *Catches Navi in her hands* Shh, this is me!  
  
Navi: Princess...?  
  
Zelda: *Smiles in a nervous way*  
  
Navi: What happened to you?! You look uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, different!  
  
Zelda: *Turns away* I'm ugly, okay?  
  
Navi: Well yeah! Was it something you ate because I told Link those cuccos were a bad idea. You are what you eat, you know-  
  
Zelda: No, this has been happening longer than I can remember...  
  
Navi: What do you mean? I have never seen you look this way before!  
  
Zelda: It only happens when the sun goes down. *Looks into a pool of water* "By night one day, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form..."  
  
Navi: That was beautiful! I didn't know you wrote poetry!  
  
Zelda: It's a spell! *Sighs* When I was a little girl, a poe cast a spell on me. Every night I become this...this horrible, ugly...BEAST! I was placed in that tower to await the day my true love would come and rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Ganondorf tomorrow, before he sees me like this... *Starts crying*  
  
Navi: Alright, alright, calm down! Look, it's not that bad! You're not that ugly! Alright, I'm not going to lie! You are ugly! But you only look like this at night! Link's ugly twenty-four-seven.  
  
Zelda: But Navi, I'm a princess. And this isn't the way princesses are supposed to look!  
  
Navi: How about you don't marry Ganondorf?  
  
Zelda: I have to. It's the only way to break the spell.  
  
Navi: But you know... You're kind of a Hylian and Link...well, you two have a lot in common!  
  
Zelda: *Looks up* Link?  
  
~ Outside the windmill. ~  
  
Link: *Walks around outside, holding a sunflower. He starts reciting lines* "Princess, I... Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, yeah, good for me too! I'm okay... I saw this flower and thought of you because it is pretty. Well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might because you are pretty! But I like you anyway!" Ah...um...er... *Sighs* I'm in trouble. *Walks up to the windmill door* Alright, here we go!  
  
Zelda's Voice: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Navi! I mean, really. Who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "Ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't marry Link!  
  
Link: *Gasps*  
  
Zelda's Voice: My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.  
  
Link: *Sighs deeply*  
  
Zelda's Voice: Don't you see, Navi? That's the way it has to be!  
  
Link: *Walks off, dropping the flower at the door*  
  
~ Inside the windmill. ~  
  
Zelda: It's the only way to break the spell!  
  
Navi: You gotta tell Link the truth!  
  
Zelda: NO! You mustn't breathe a word! No one must ever know!  
  
Navi: What's the point of talking if you have to keep secrets?  
  
Zelda: Promise me, Navi! Promise me!  
  
Navi: Alright! I promise! I won't tell him...but you should! *Navi flies outside* I know just before this is over, I am going to need a whole lot of serious therapy! Look at my eye twitchin'! Oh, wait...you can't... *Flies away*  
  
~ One or two hours later...~  
  
Navi: *Snores*  
  
Zelda: *Opens the door and sees the flower there on the ground. She picks it up and goes inside*  
  
Zelda's Voice: I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him...  
  
~ Inside the windmill. ~  
  
Zelda: *Plucks off a petal for each choice she says* I tell him not. I tell him... 


	14. Goodbye, Zelda

************************************************************************  
  
~ Inside the windmill...still... ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Zelda: *Still plucking off petals* I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not... *Plucks off the last petal* I tell him!  
  
~ Outside. The dawn sun is coming up. ~  
  
Zelda: Link! Link! There's something I want to tell- *Looks around*  
  
Navi: *Snores*  
  
:: "Zelda's Lullaby" plays as Zelda changes back to being a beautiful princess. ::  
  
Zelda: *Runs up to Link, who is coming in from over the hills* Link! Link, all you alright?  
  
Link: *Keeps walking and has a sour tone of voice* I'm great. I have never been better.  
  
Zelda: Er, there's something I have to tell you.  
  
Link: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess! I heard you last night!  
  
Zelda: You heard what I said?  
  
Link: Every word.  
  
Zelda: I thought you would understand... *Thinks Link is talking about her being ugly*  
  
Link: Oh, I understand! Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" *Thinks Zelda is talking about him being ugly*  
  
Zelda: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you...  
  
Link: Yeah, well it does! *Turns to the horizon* Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought something for you.  
  
::Fanfare::  
  
Navi: *Wakes up* Ah! What'd I miss? What'd I miss! *Runs after Link and Zelda*  
  
Ganondorf: *Rides up to Link and Zelda on a black steed* Princess Zelda...  
  
Link: As promised. Now hand it over.  
  
Ganondorf: Very well, Hylian. Emptied out, as agreed. Take it and go... *Gives him the forest deed*  
  
Link: *Snatches it and walks off*  
  
Ganondorf: ...before I change my mind. *Turns to Zelda* Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me. I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Ganondorf.  
  
Zelda: Lord Ganondorf? Oh, no, no. Forgive me, my Lord, for I was just saying a...  
  
Ganondorf: *Gets off his horse to reveal his tremendous height*  
  
Zelda: ...big farewell.  
  
Ganondorf: Ah, that is so sweet! You don't have to waste time on the Hylian. It's not like it has feelings.  
  
Zelda: No... It doesn't.  
  
Link: *Looks extremely hurt*  
  
Ganondorf: Princess Zelda. Beautiful, fair, flawless Zelda! I ask your hand in marriage. *Takes Zelda's hand*  
  
Zelda: *Is lifted upwards* Ah!  
  
Ganondorf: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?  
  
Zelda: Lord Ganondorf, I accept. Nothing will make-  
  
Ganondorf: EXCELLENT! I'll start the plans! *Lifts Zelda on to his horse, and then gets on* For tomorrow, we wed!  
  
Zelda: NO! I mean... Why wait? Let's get married today! Before the sun sets!  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, anxious are we? You're right! The sooner, the better! *Rides off* There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guests list. Captain! Round up some guests...  
  
Zelda's Voice: Fare thee well, Hylian.  
  
Navi: *Flies over to Link* Link, what are you doing? You let her go!  
  
Link: Yeah, big whoop.  
  
Navi: Link, there's something about her you don't know! Look, I talked to her last night-  
  
Link: I know you talked to her last night. *Sounds as if going to cry* I bet you two are real pals, aren't you? Now if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home! *Stomps off*  
  
Navi: But Link, I want to go with you...  
  
Link: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! My forest-me! Nobody else, okay? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying TALKING FAIRIES!  
  
Navi: But I thought...  
  
Link: Yeah, well you thought wrong! *Storms away*  
  
Navi: Link... 


	15. Hallelujah

************************************************************************  
  
~ This isn't really a scene. These are just some cut-scenes showing what happens to the different characters. The song "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen plays. The song is copyrighted to him. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Now I've heard there was a secret chord  
  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
  
It goes like this  
  
The fourth, the fifth  
  
The minor fall, the major lift  
  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah  
  
~ Zelda is seen looking at different dresses for the weddings, but she looks extremely sad. ~  
  
Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her  
  
She tied you  
  
To a kitchen chair  
  
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair  
  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
You say I took the name in vain  
  
I don't even know the name  
  
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?  
  
There's a blaze of light  
  
In every word  
  
It doesn't matter which you heard  
  
The holy or the broken Hallelujah  
  
~ Navi is seen flying around in the forest by herself when she sees Volvagia crying by himself. She goes over to him and they comfort each other. ~  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
~ Link is seen sitting at his table in his home, apparently very depressed. ~  
  
I did my best, it wasn't much  
  
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch  
  
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you  
  
And even though  
  
It all went wrong  
  
I'll stand before the Lord of Song  
  
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
  
Hallelujah  
  
~ Zelda is seen crying on her bed. ~ 


	16. Link and Navi

************************************************************************  
  
~ Outside Link's house. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
:: Thump! ::  
  
Link: *Walks outside* Navi?  
  
Navi: *Grunts as she tries to push a stick*  
  
Link: What are you doing?  
  
Navi: I think out of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.  
  
Link: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around the forest, not through it.  
  
Navi: It's around your half, see? That's your half, this is my half!  
  
Link: Oh your half? Hmmm?  
  
Navi: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess, I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now give me that big ol' rock, the one that looks like your head!  
  
Link: *Grabs the stick and pushes Navi back with it* Back off!  
  
Navi: *Pushes back* No, you back off!  
  
Link: This is my forest!  
  
Navi: OUR forest!  
  
Link: Let go, Navi!  
  
Navi: You let go!  
  
Link: Stubborn, little hoe!  
  
Navi: Smelly Hylian!  
  
Link: Fine! *Drops the stick and storms off*  
  
Navi: Hey! HEY! Come back here! I'm not through with you, yet! *Follows*  
  
Link: Oh yeah? Well I'm through with you!  
  
Navi: Uh huh. Well you know what? It's always "Me! Me! Me!" Well guess what? It's my turn! So you just shut up and listen to me! You are mean to me! You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around, or pushing me away!  
  
Link: If I treated you so bad, then why did you come back?  
  
Navi: *Corners Link against the outhouse* Because that's what friends do. They forgive each other!  
  
Link: Alright Navi...I forgive you...FOR STABBING ME IN THE BACK! *Goes into the outhouse and slams the door*  
  
Navi: OHHHHHHHH... You are so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you are afraid of your own feelings!  
  
Link: GO AWAY!  
  
Navi: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Zelda! All she ever did was like you! Maybe even love you!  
  
Link's Voice: Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous person! I heard the two of you talking!  
  
Navi: She wasn't talking about you! She was talking about...er...somebody else.  
  
Link: *Opens the door* She wasn't...talking about me? Then who was she talking to?  
  
Navi: Uh-uh! I'm not saying anything! You don't want to listen to me, right? Right?  
  
Link: Navi...  
  
Navi: NO! *Turns back to Link*  
  
Link: Okay, look, I'm sorry, alright?  
  
Navi: Hmph!  
  
Link: *Sighs* I'm sorry... I guess I really am a big, stupid, ugly Hylian. Can you forgive me?  
  
Navi: *Turns around* Hey that's what friends are for, right?  
  
Link: Right. Friends?  
  
Navi: Friends.  
  
Link: *Shakes Navi's wing* So, erm, what did Zelda say about me?  
  
Navi: Aw, what are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her!  
  
Link: The wedding! We'll never make it in time!  
  
Navi: *Laughs* Never fear! For when there's a will, there's a way-and I have a way! *Whistles*  
  
Volvagia: *Swoops out of the air, roaring*  
  
Link: Navi?  
  
Navi: I guess it's my animal magnetism!  
  
Link: *Grabs for Navi* Aw, come here, you!  
  
Navi: Now, now, don't get all slobbery on me. No one likes to kiss a fairy. Alright, hop on-and hold on tight! I haven't installed the seatbelts, yet. *Gets on after Link does and Volvagia soars into the air* Woohoo! 


	17. The Wedding

************************************************************************  
  
~ Inside the Temple of Time in the ruined/dark Hyrule Market. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Iron Knuckle: *Holds up a board to the audience that says, "GASP".*  
  
Audience: *Gasps*  
  
Priest Rauru: People of Ganon's Castle, we gather here today...to bear witness...to the union...  
  
Zelda: Um...? *Looks out the window*  
  
Priest Rauru: Of our new king...  
  
Zelda: Excuse me... Can we skip ahead to the "I do's"?  
  
Ganondorf: *Chuckles* Go on.  
  
~ Outside the Temple of Time. ~  
  
Volvagia: *Snorts*  
  
Navi: *Gets off* Go on ahead, have some fun! If I need you, I'll whistle, alright?  
  
Volvagia: *Flies off*  
  
Navi: *Sees Link running towards the ToT and reaches him before he opens the door* Wait, wait, Link! Hold on! Hey wait a minute! You want to do this right, don't you?  
  
Link: *Stops* What are you talking about?  
  
Navi: There's a line! There's a line you gotta wait for! The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace" and that's when you say, "I OBJECT!"  
  
Link: Oh, I don't have time for this!  
  
Navi: Hey, wait, wait! You love this woman don't you?  
  
Link: Yes.  
  
Navi: You want to hold her?  
  
Link: Yes!  
  
Navi: Please her?  
  
Link: YES!  
  
Navi: *Sings* THEN YOU GOT TO--GOT TO--TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!  
  
Link: Alright! Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?  
  
Navi: ...We got to check it out.  
  
~ Inside the ToT. ~  
  
Navi's Voice: *Grunts*  
  
Priest Rauru: And so, by the power vested in me...  
  
Link's Voice: What do you see?  
  
~ Outside the ToT. ~  
  
Link: *Is throwing Navi up in the air towards the highest window*  
  
Navi: The whole town's in there!  
  
Priest Rauru's Voice: I now pronounce you husband and wife...  
  
Navi: They're at the altar.  
  
Priest Rauru's Voice: King and Queen...  
  
Navi: Mother Fletcher, he already said it.  
  
Link: Oh for the love of Din! *Runs into the ToT*  
  
Navi: *Falls to the ground*  
  
~ Inside the ToT. ~  
  
Link: *Crashes through doors* I OBJECT!!!!  
  
Priest Rauru: *GASPS*  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, now what does he want?  
  
Audience: *Clamoring*  
  
Link: Hi everyone. Having a good time, are you? I love Ganon's Castle... Very...unclean...  
  
Zelda: What are YOU doing here?  
  
Ganondorf: Really! It's rude enough being here when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-  
  
Link: Zelda! I need to talk to you!  
  
Zelda: Oh, now you want to talk? Well, I'm sorry, but it's a little late for that, so if you will excuse me-  
  
Link: But you can't marry him!  
  
Zelda: Why not?  
  
Link: Because...because he's only marrying you so he can be king!  
  
Ganondorf: OUTRAGEOUS! *Turns to Zelda* Um, Zelda, don't listen to him!  
  
Link: He's not your true love!  
  
Zelda: And what do you know about true love?  
  
Link: Well, um, er, uh...  
  
Ganondorf: *Chuckles* Oh this is precious! The Hylian has fallen in love with the princess! OH GOOD LORD!!  
  
Iron Knuckle: *Holds up a sign to the audience that says "LAUGH"*  
  
Audience: *Laughs*  
  
Ganondorf: A Hylian and a princess!!!  
  
Audience: *Still laughing*  
  
Zelda: Link...is this true?  
  
Ganondorf: Who cares? It's preposterous! Zelda, my love! We are but a kiss away from "happily ever after"! Now kiss me! *Puckers up* MMM!!  
  
Zelda: "By night one way, by day another.*Looks at Link sadly* I wanted to show you this before... *Steps into the sunset's light and changes into that ugly Hylian*  
  
Audience: *Gasping*  
  
Link: Well...uh... That explains a lot!  
  
Ganondorf: UGH!!!! It's DISGUSTING! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight! NOW! Get them! Get them both!  
  
Bunch of Stalfos: *Start surrounding Zelda*  
  
Link: No, no!  
  
Zelda: Link!  
  
Ganondorf: This hocus-pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! *Grabs the King's hat and puts it on* SEE? SEE?!  
  
Zelda: *Fights some Stalfos* No! Let go of me! Link!  
  
Link: No! *Runs towards Zelda*  
  
Ganondorf: Don't just stand there, you morons!  
  
Bunch of Stalfos: *Go after Link too*  
  
Link: Get out of my way! *Throws some Stalfos* Zelda! *Gets hopelessly surrounded* ARGH!  
  
Ganondorf: *Talking to Link* I'll make you regret the day we met! I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg death to save you!  
  
Zelda: No! Link!  
  
Ganondorf: As for you, my wife...  
  
Link: Zelda!  
  
Ganondorf: I will have you locked in that tower for the rest of your days! I am KING!  
  
Link: *Knocks back some Stalfos long enough for him to whistle*  
  
:: The sound of rushing flames gets louder*  
  
Ganondorf: I WILL HAVE ORDER, I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE-  
  
Volvagia: *Bursts in through the back of the ToT, roaring and scattering debris everywhere*  
  
Ganondorf: AHHHHHH!!!! *Stumbles backwards*  
  
Volvagia: *Lunges forwards and grabs Ganondorf with his jaws*  
  
Ganondorf: *Still screaming* AHHHHHH!!!  
  
Volvagia: *Swallows Ganondorf*  
  
Navi: Nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it!  
  
Volvagia: *Roars*  
  
Navi: I'm a fairy on the edge!  
  
Volvagia: *Burps and Ganondorf's king-hat falls onto the floor*  
  
Navi: Celebrity marriages...they never last long do they?  
  
Audience: *Cheers*  
  
Navi: Go ahead, Link!  
  
Link: Uh, Zelda?  
  
Zelda: Yes, Link?  
  
Link: I...I love you.  
  
Zelda: Really?  
  
Link: *Smiles* Really, really.  
  
Iron Knuckle: *Flips his sign around and writes on the back "AWWW!!!" and then holds it up to the audience*  
  
Audience: AWWW!!!  
  
Link: *Kisses Zelda*  
  
Zelda: *Floats through the air as she shines with light like in Disney's "The Beauty and the Beast"*  
  
???'s Echo: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take life's true form..." "...Take life's true form..."  
  
Zelda: *Falls to the ground*  
  
Link: *Runs to Zelda* Zelda...Zelda...are you alright?  
  
Zelda: *Looks at herself* But...I don't understand... I'm supposed to be beautiful!  
  
Link: But you ARE beautiful!  
  
Navi: *Chuckles* I was hoping this would be a happy ending! 


	18. Now I'm a Believer

************************************************************************  
  
~ Rose petals fall around Zelda and Link as they kiss at the newly-set up wedding in Link's forest. "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth plays in the background as all the Hyrule creatures and Navi and Volvagia and anyone else I can think of celebrate the newly weds. ~  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*I thought love was only true in fairy tales  
  
Three Zoras: Oy!  
  
*Meant for someone else but not for me  
  
*Love was out to get me  
  
*That's the way it seemed  
  
*Disappointment haunted all my dreams  
  
*And then I saw her face  
  
*Now I'm a believer and not a trace  
  
*Of doubt in my mind  
  
*I'm in love  
  
*Ooh-aah  
  
*I'm a believer I couldn't leave her  
  
*If I tried  
  
Keese: *Waves with a wing, sitting in a little wheelchair* Goddesses bless us, every one!  
  
Navi: C'mon, y'all!  
  
*Then I saw her face  
  
Navi: Ha, ha!  
  
*Now I'm a believer  
  
Navi: Listen!  
  
*Not a trace  
  
*Of doubt in my mind  
  
*I'm in love  
  
Navi and Volvagia: *Vocalize* Ooh, aah!  
  
*I'm a believer  
  
*I couldn't leave her if I tried  
  
Din: *Hits Farore and Nayru blindly while dancing*  
  
Farore: Ooh!  
  
Nayru: Uh!  
  
*Then I saw her face  
  
*Now I'm a believer  
  
Navi: Hey!  
  
*Not a trace  
  
*Uhh! Yeah.  
  
*Of doubt in my mind  
  
Navi: One more time!  
  
*I'm in love  
  
*I'm a believer  
  
Navi: Come on! *Does the Charlie Brown* "I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey!" Y'all sing it with me!  
  
Audience: *Does the wave* I believe! I believe!  
  
Navi: People in the back!  
  
*I believe  
  
*I'm a believer  
  
*I believe  
  
*I believe  
  
*I believe  
  
*I believe  
  
~ Link and Zelda take a carriage down the road, riding off into the sunset. The book that Link was reading in the beginning of the movie is scene flipping through pages by itself, the last page reading, "THE END." ~  
  
Navi: *Laughing hysterically*  
  
/ FADE OUT \  
  
Navi's Voice: Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe!  
  
~~~  
  
THE END 


	19. The Forest Karaoke Party

************************************************************************  
  
~ In Link's forest. ~  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
/ FADE IN \  
  
Link: HI EVERYBODY, and welcome to the "Link and the Forest Gang Karaoke Dance Party"! *Grabs a microphone and turns on a stereo* I'm going to take things down a little bit, with one of my personal favorites. *Walks over to Zelda, who's lying on her stomach on the ground* Don't GOOOO changing... *Voice cracks*...to try and please me. You've never let me down before... Mmmm, mmmm, mmmmm!!  
  
* * *  
  
Zelda: I made it through the wilderness!  
  
Pierre: *Scratches record*  
  
Zelda: And even though I made it throoough...  
  
Pierre: *Scratches record*  
  
Zelda: Didn't know how lost I was until I found you!  
  
* * *  
  
Navi: YEAH! I like big butts and I cannot lie!  
  
Volvagia: *Shaking his tail to the beat of the song*  
  
Navi: You other brother's can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty- bitty waist, and a big brown thing in your face you get-  
  
Volvagia: *Smacks Navi with his tail*  
  
* * *  
  
Iron Knuckle: --Feelings...  
  
* * *  
  
Skull Kid: It's fun to say and go...  
  
Merry "Men": YMCA! *Start doing the YMCA*  
  
Skull Kid: It's really fun to do the...*Winks*  
  
Merry "Men": YMCA!!  
  
Link: Ha, ha, ha ha!  
  
* * *  
  
Keese: *Singing with Din, Farore and Nayru vocalizing* Do you really want to hurt me? Ow! Do you really want to make me cry?  
  
Din, Farore and Nayru: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!  
  
* * *  
  
Ganondorf: *Inside Volvagia's belly with a lit match* Staying alive...staying alive... OH! OH! OH! OH!  
  
* * *  
  
Wolfos: Who let the dogs out? *Whooping*  
  
Three Zoras: Who? Who, who, who?  
  
Wolfos: Who let the dogs out?!  
  
Three Zoras: Who? Who, who, who?  
  
* * *  
  
Navi: Say! Everybody get up and dance to the music!  
  
King Dodongo: *Vocalizes* Do, do, do, do do do!  
  
Navi: Come on! Everyone now!  
  
Everyone: DANCE TO THE MUSIC!! DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!  
  
Pierre: All we need is a drummer...  
  
Magic Mirror: For people who only need a beat!  
  
Both: YEEEEEEEEAH!  
  
Navi: Take it down, blond-girl!  
  
Zelda: *Plays a drum solo!*  
  
Navi: Knuckle, my man!  
  
Iron Knuckle: I'm gonna have some bongos! (?)  
  
Pierre: So the dancers just won't hide!  
  
Navi: Yo, take it Link!  
  
Link: *Pulls out a grand organ and starts playing* You might want to hear my organ!  
  
Navi: I said "Ride, Sally, ride!" Oh yeah!  
  
Link and Zelda: *Look at each other* I can't see me loving nobody like you, for all my life!  
  
Everyone: DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!! DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!!  
  
Navi: Link, you ain't dancin' yet!  
  
Everyone: DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!! DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!  
  
Navi: Oh, yeah!  
  
Everyone: DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!!  
  
Navi: Now that's how I like it!  
  
Everyone: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!  
  
Navi: Everbody now!  
  
Everyone: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!! DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!!!!!  
  
/ FADE OUT\  
  
Navi's Voice: Hey, Pierre, wanna watch that hat, man?  
  
Link's Voice: Ha, ha ha!  
  
Skull Kid's Voice: Yo-dee-yo-dee-yo!  
  
Navi's Voice: Hoo, ha ha! Hoo, hoo, hoo...  
  
THE REAL END 


	20. Author's Notes

************************************************************************  
  
Author's Notes for "Link: A Parody of Shrek".  
  
************************************************************************  
  
"Shrek" is copyrighted to DreamWorks Pictures.  
  
The "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" characters and songs are copyrighted to Nintendo.  
  
"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen is copyrighted to him.  
  
"I'm a Believer" is copyrighted to Smash Mouth.  
  
* * *  
  
This was a long script to write, and I am proud of myself of finishing it. Yes, to everyone who had asked, I was looking off the original script. The main one I was using for practically the whole movie can be here:  
  
www.pinkshirtyellowtie.com/shrek/  
  
The second one I was using (for all parts after Ganondorf tries to kiss Zelda) can be reached here:  
  
www.scifiscripts.com/cartoons/shrek.txt  
  
But don't get me, wrong! I'm not a total fraud! If you look at the scripts, you can see that there are no real actions on them! I mostly had to guess what the characters were doing, so that explains why some of the motions they do are probably wrong. And you can see that some of the little ad-libbing I added in for "Link" is not on the original script! ^-^  
  
I also pretty much guessed for the Karaoke Party part, as there is no script for that either. I want to thank Kathryn K. for singing the Karaoke Party part with me in the Art Room all the time. If we hadn't sung it so much, I would have been lost.  
  
* * *  
  
I also want to thank my younger brother, who always suggested different characters to play parts for the script. He, like, knows every single character in the game and I don't know anyone...so...  
  
* * *  
  
And last, but certainly not least...I WANT TO THANK ALL THE REVIEWERS OF THIS PARODY! Because I have never gotten so many reviews on FF.net before, and they really brought up my self-esteem! I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR APPRECIATION! If you have any questions for the 'fic, you can always put them up in the reviews, I'll put the answers in here! THANK YOU (TIMES INFINITY)! ^-^  
  
* * * 


End file.
